Do you know?

Have you ever felt weird when you smile? 

It feels weird when I do. 

Don't Go--Ivory

don't go quite yet

don't leave this love that we have had

I wonder what it is to be in love. I know everyone wonders the same and wants it but I think my reasons may be different? I don't know actually but for now I will assume that they are different. 

Like everyone else, I would like to find real love one day. I know people want it to be everlasting true love and whatnot but I don't care if it is everlasting for me. Granted, I would love for it to be everlasting because that would be quite amazing. For me, I would like for it to be true love but of it has to end then so be it. What I am saying is that if it has to be true love for a week then so be it. If it had to have a time limit on it, I want it to last enough for me to realize that I truly love the person and that I have the memories of that true love to take to my grave. Cliche and whatnot, I know but just thoughts. I still would like that everlasting love though. 

It would be devastatingly heartbreaking for me if I had that time limit but when I look at the bright side, at least I have the memories with me. I know what it felt like to be in love and I could relish in those memories forever. I just want to know what it is to be in true love. I know that I say love is overrate but that doesn't mean I hate love. 

Maybe because when I think about true love I think of opening every nook and cranny (in a literal sense) of myself to the person. And we all know that I don't open all the way. 

Maybe I just want that sense of vulnerability because I know I won't be judged in return because that person loves me. 

Either way, it's going to be me. 

Not to quote Mandy Moore of course. 

I just want to feel that someone in the world truly, deeply cares for me. I just want to know that someone is going to hold my hand for when I have to be in the darkness. 

I don't even have friends to guide me, pathetic life I lead huh?

Not really, I don't think my life is pathetic.

A persons life doesn't not have to consist of friends, just one person you can truly rely on. 

I just want someone there with me. 

I'd rather have a faithful significant other than all the friends in the world. 

Even if it is for a moment. 

Je t'aime de tout mon coeur. 

Iris--Goo Goo Dolls

It's inspiring my thoughts. I have also been saying 'subject to change' a lot. 

Maybe I'm accepting the change that has been bestowed upon my life? 

And I don't want the world to see me 

Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything is made to be broken 

I just want you to know who I am 

There's something about that song. It's raw and it just shows how people are. 

Line by line on how this is affiliated with my life. I'm no going to affiliate love wise though cause frankly I think love is overrated at the moment. 

1) I wonder if people know how I really am. Do they honestly think that I am just a girl who doesn't take anything seriously? That's who I used to be. Granted, I miss moments like that but not to the point were I would like to return to that lifestyle. 

So, what do people think of me? Sometimes I feel like I have to hide who I am because I am afraid of how people would judge me. 

I love analyzing myself because I change so much. I live comfortably in the changes I undergo but fail when it comes to change in my surroundings. Maybe it's because I can sit down and think about it because I know the wheels within wheels when it comes to myself. Sometimes things aren't shared when it comes to others besides oneself. You know the story behind the scenes whereas you rely on oral history when it not you. 

Maybe that's why I find such amusement in my mind. 

If I could have any super power, it would be to read minds because then I could know the fire within the fire. I could see who people truly are by the way that they think. Sure, it would take the mystery out of life and it would be a total invasion of privacy but there would be more mystery that comes with it because people change and along with that so do their thoughts. Peoples' thought process change and I would find it fun to see that transition. All in all, I would want to read minds because I want to see people. Also, I am terribly gullible so that would be quite an advantage. 

I digress. 

I don't want people to see me because I'm terrified of what they would think of me. I think I can handle the insults and whatnot that come with what they think but on some days I even have a breaking point. Hell, I have a breaking point period. Maybe I'm just scared of what would happen when I reach that level? What would happen to me? What would happen to my sanity? Sometimes I hide because I don't want to hurt people even if it means that I have to hurt even more. I think that people have worse problems than I do or that they would be losing precious time listening to my petty problems. Simple as that. 'Friend' after 'friend' have told me that they are busy doing something when I need them. I think at some point it has discouraged me to ask for a shoulder to the point were I don't even bother to call up someone just to talk. Does it every make you feel guilty that when you have a problem but when you turn to a person to find comfort in that it turns out that they may have worse problems than you? It happens to me quite a lot and then I think that they need a shoulder to cry on more than I do. 

It sounds difficult when I try to explain it.

Another way of 'making someone feel better' is by making their problems seem insignificant. I don't think insignificant is the right word... it's more like, making their problems seem not so bad by telling them about a problem someone has gone through that is similar or just as bad. Frankly, it doesn't make me feel better; it just makes me think the world is shittier than it already is. Don't try to alleviate an emo person's problem by adding another emo element to it--it's just going to make them even more emo. 

2) I think I covered the second line with the first line ^. 

Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. I feel like I have. 

3) Would the world be a better place if no one lied, cheated, or stole? Yes, that would be a utopia but also a dream. I don't believe that there would world peace and that we would all be prancing and skipping in a meadow on a Pangaea-esque world. But wouldn't that be lovely for travel if Pangaea existed once more? It surely would make travel a hell of a lot easier. How much of the world would be occupied by water? Would there be rivers that serve as borders on Pangaea? I digress again. 

The world will always be broken. I'm sorry but the prospects are world peace or world unity are as far-fetched as Clay Aiken turning out to be straight. The world will always be broken. I just believe that the people in your life can help make the world seem a little brighter. I believe that having realistic dreams and goals mend things to make life seem possible but only enough to motivate us to keep going. 

Maybe being yourself is the solution-- a very unrealistic solution. 

Being yourself to those who matter make the world seem less broken. 

4) I just want you to know who I am. 

Being yourself to those who matter make the world seem less broken. 

Well that was quite successful. Although, I didn't really say how it affiliated with my life rather, I gave my thoughts on it.

Oh well. 

If I were a superhero I would have mind reading powers. My sidekick would be a Superman-esque character. We'd balance each other out because I would be the mental part of the team and my sidekick would be the physical aspect of us. 

We'd also have a ferret that could do backflips. 

Or a hamster if ferrets are not possible. 

You know how you do those surveys on facebook or myspace or even blogspot? 

At some point--if you are an avid survey taker like I am--you may have come across one of those questions that ask 'Spontaneous or Romantic?' 

I usually answered with 'spontaneously romantic' just because it would be the best of both worlds and we'd all win. Well, that and because it's a loophole. 

I realized that I don't want a 'spontaneous romantic' although that would be rather perfect. 

I could settle for second best: Spontaneous. 

Why?

Because I realize that I get bored easily. 

I am bored of this shit town, I am bored of the people I know because they are all the same.

I can't really say that my answer would be the same if I ever move away from here or meet a new scene of people but for now I want spontaneity. 

Although a spontaneous romantic would be rather lovely. 

Anyways, I get bored. 

I want someone who will make my life exciting. Granted, I do like schedule and whatnot but a little surprise never hurt anyone right? 

Well, surprises within reason. 

I tire of things period.

That would be more fun right? To have spice in your life? 

I still prefer spontaneous romantics though.

But if that loophole were not there, I would pick spontaneous. 

Je t'aime de tout mon coeur. 

What does it feel like to be loved? 

Whatever you do, please don't get me rescued

I made the most amazing realization a few days ago. 

I realized that what keeps me going in life is what I aspire to be. I remember this time last year, I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. I wasn't doing great in school and my life was just all about having fun and not caring for consequences. Granted, I still like that life but now it's much more subtle.

I had no purpose for my life, I was just thinking of the present and telling myself to worry about the future when the time comes. I kept telling myself it was all in the moment. Right now I just realized that not everyday in life is a 'moment' and that there are few moments in life that come in packs--if that made sense. 

The whole thing about how I felt left out with my 'friends' really triggered this. I guess I should stop smashing on them and give them a nice thank you because if it weren't for them and how they treated me then I would have never come to this realization. 

It started with fake promises of 'We'll hang out over the summer!' and somethings along those lines but all in all, they were never fulfilled. 

I guess being secluded in a cloister (my room) and reading made me learn a lot. 

I took up a hobby and as nerdy and fan girl it is, it was fanfiction because whenever I read stories I always come up with idea of other situations and whatnot. 

I took up writing and I found out that I love writing. 

I love reading.

I love writing. 

I love doing both. 

And fuck, I love words. 

I love letting my ideas out and finding a way to put situations that I have gone through (and OH SHIT. I know what I am writing about for NaNoWriMo) that have been difficult to explain to others and just setting them into characters. 

To me, reading is about learning about others' mistakes so you don't go off repeating them. But in a way how can that happen? I believe that no two situations are the same so is that possible? 

Ah, society's morales. 

So then I realized during that summer what I wanted for the rest of my life. 

I wanted to go to college and get a degree in English/Creative Writing. 

I wanted to write or do something affiliated with the art of writing. 

I wanted to go to various places. I was so excited knowing what I wanted to do in my life. It was like a high to me. 

I looked at various places all over the country. I looked at places here in California, Washington, and Arizona. 

I wanted to go to Washington for a while. 

Then school started and I became more and more aloof with my 'friends' and frankly, I didn't give a flying fuck because my goal was to get out of this shit town and away from those people. 

My goal was to go to college away from here because this place was getting old and nothing was changing. 

I wanted to be far away from here and start fresh. 

My mind was on college and I wanted to go because I wanted to be apart of something I loved. 

Literature will never die. 

I started trying in school...except for chemistry cause I just fail at that. 

I wanted the grades to get into a good college because I can set off on my own into the world of words and be away from here. 

Washington was on my mind for a couple of months and then it was gone. My goal for Washington was gone and I didn't know why. Maybe cause there is so many Asians there and it'll probably just be history repeating itself? I don't know. 

I was lost. I also had my sights set for Arizona but then there aren't really great schools there. 

Eventually I found another dream. 

I had always wanted to study abroad because I guess to me, no matter where I am here, history will repeat itself. 

I've always wanted to study abroad because it would be something new. There would be a new culture and new people. And I just loved planning it. 

What really keeps me trying in school is because I have my eyes set on going to England to study. 

And I know they have a different education system than here so I've been working on it. I will still have to go to community college after I graduate but I worked it out. 

- I still get to live at home which will save me expenses. 

- I will work which will help me when I leave. 

- I am going to pwn school. 

What better place to study English than to go where it was first spoke? That's what I say. 

Even if my plans change like the flighty, wishy-washy person I am, at least I am setting goals for myself. 

What keeps me going everyday is the prospects of going there.

I am going to be somewhere I can start anew and be in a place where I want to study. 

I'm happy I have goals now. It makes me giddy that I am working for something that I want rather than half-assing it. 

I can't wait to graduate because then I would be getting closer to it. Entering community college will open options for me education-wise. 

Is it nerdy/weird for me to say I sort of kind of like doing homework? 

I like it because I like the knowledge that comes with it.

Granted I only like some subjects and the learning it comes with. 

Sometimes I don't like doing homework though.

But I also think it is an escape away from the world.

It distracts me and pulls me into the world of infinite knowledge. 

It's just sometimes I am not motivated enough or am too lazy to do my math/chemistry homework. 

I learned to love life because I learned that sometimes it's not the people in your life but rather what you make of it. 

New Years Resolutions 2009: 

1) Start saving money for college. 

2)Become a vegetarian (done)

3)Keep my resolutions

4)Don't change

5)Keep trying in school

6)Think of more. 

 I'm tired of fighting battles I can't win. I'm tired of fighting for something when you can easily waltz in and take it from me. I'm of tired of being betrayed. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of liking people. I'm tired of telling myself that I shouldn't doubt. I'm tired of wishing for a real friend. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be better than you. I'm tired of how easy it is for you and how complicated it is for me. I'm tired of feeling like I'm second behind you.


I'm fucking tired of you.  

I have self exiled myself. I don't talk to a lot of people and in this day and age, people would worry and whatnot. 

Me, I am happy. 

I am happy because I have learned so much about myself this past year. 

I do admit that I want companionship sometimes and I do feel lonely but then...I look around and see people who could be my friends but not necessarily my friends. 

They're just there. 

But I find friends in different places that are not in this shit town.  

I love it. 

Maybe I just forgot what it is like to have friends.